I just wanted to say hi to anyone that remembers me.
I'm so sorry I couldn't be here before now. When I heard of Michael's death there was only one place I could have come during those first really dark days; but I've had no internet for the last two months - in fact the pc has been very sickly with very limited net access since Xmas - I got infected with a really nasty bug (18 of them to be exact). 3 of my IT friends had attempted to fix it only to have the problem resurface within a week. It wasn't until a complete re-build that I was able to get back on the net.
Michael's death was a terrible shock for me; as I'm sure it was for you all too. I had a headache that night and went to bed early, and got up late for work. All in my rush, I never even switched on the tv. It wasn't until I dashed out to my car that I heard. I got half-way down our little street and the radio presenter announced they were having an hour of Michael Jackson songs. My first thought was "Wow, its not even July yet," because of course I thought it was associated with the upcoming concerts. Then they said it was a tribute. Literally as the confusion was rambling through my mind,"Tribute is a funny word to use; thats the sort of thing they say when someone's died," the guy said, "Obviously this is in response to the breaking news this morning about the death of Michael Jackson." My immediate reaction, out of pure shock, was to slam on my brakes. I skidded to a halt, and just remember sitting in absolute horror, like I was frozen, gripping the steering wheel for dear life. Of course, then I burst into tears, and I was a right mess by the time I arrived at work.
I had hoped the Memorial would help me reach a little closure; and that afterwards maybe I could see video or hear Michael and not feel so terribly sad. The Memorial was especially difficult to watch, but I had to do something. I had to try and say goodbye to Michael, and the memorial was my only chance.
I was at a friends house this week, all my girlfriends were there. The TV was on MTV whilst we sat around and chatted. Billie Jean came on and they all looked at me anxiously, and our host reached for the remote. Then I remembered that first week, I couldn't hear or see Michael, because it was just too upsetting. I guess I'm starting to come out the other side now; although if I hear Will You Be There or You Are Not Alone I'm in floods of tears. Now I can see Michael and smile, and I always tell him in my heart that I love him. It was around this time that I would have been seeing Michael again at the O2. I'm trying not to think too much about that.
Those of you that know me well know what a huge influence Michael was in my life. Michael was one of my earliest memories, and he has been in my life since I was a 2 year-old. I loved him for 34 years straight; having Michael in my life has given me moments of inexplicable joy; lifted my soul and comforted me when I needed him, made me laugh like a loon, and there have also been some very sad times. But I will always love him.
I know there is some stuff in the press that is pretty horrific and it makes me very angry too. I comfort myself by telling myself that Michael would have been very moved, by the reaction to his death, and how it must be helping his family to see how much Michael was loved and by how many. If I chose to be angry that he wasn't shown this love whilst he was here, I could be. But Michael has won accolades and tributes and has shot back to the top, which is where he deserves to be and belongs; and I think Michael would be pretty satisfied with that.
I'm truly sorry I wasn't here to support you all, and grieve with you.
I'm so sorry I couldn't be here before now. When I heard of Michael's death there was only one place I could have come during those first really dark days; but I've had no internet for the last two months - in fact the pc has been very sickly with very limited net access since Xmas - I got infected with a really nasty bug (18 of them to be exact). 3 of my IT friends had attempted to fix it only to have the problem resurface within a week. It wasn't until a complete re-build that I was able to get back on the net.
Michael's death was a terrible shock for me; as I'm sure it was for you all too. I had a headache that night and went to bed early, and got up late for work. All in my rush, I never even switched on the tv. It wasn't until I dashed out to my car that I heard. I got half-way down our little street and the radio presenter announced they were having an hour of Michael Jackson songs. My first thought was "Wow, its not even July yet," because of course I thought it was associated with the upcoming concerts. Then they said it was a tribute. Literally as the confusion was rambling through my mind,"Tribute is a funny word to use; thats the sort of thing they say when someone's died," the guy said, "Obviously this is in response to the breaking news this morning about the death of Michael Jackson." My immediate reaction, out of pure shock, was to slam on my brakes. I skidded to a halt, and just remember sitting in absolute horror, like I was frozen, gripping the steering wheel for dear life. Of course, then I burst into tears, and I was a right mess by the time I arrived at work.
I had hoped the Memorial would help me reach a little closure; and that afterwards maybe I could see video or hear Michael and not feel so terribly sad. The Memorial was especially difficult to watch, but I had to do something. I had to try and say goodbye to Michael, and the memorial was my only chance.
I was at a friends house this week, all my girlfriends were there. The TV was on MTV whilst we sat around and chatted. Billie Jean came on and they all looked at me anxiously, and our host reached for the remote. Then I remembered that first week, I couldn't hear or see Michael, because it was just too upsetting. I guess I'm starting to come out the other side now; although if I hear Will You Be There or You Are Not Alone I'm in floods of tears. Now I can see Michael and smile, and I always tell him in my heart that I love him. It was around this time that I would have been seeing Michael again at the O2. I'm trying not to think too much about that.
Those of you that know me well know what a huge influence Michael was in my life. Michael was one of my earliest memories, and he has been in my life since I was a 2 year-old. I loved him for 34 years straight; having Michael in my life has given me moments of inexplicable joy; lifted my soul and comforted me when I needed him, made me laugh like a loon, and there have also been some very sad times. But I will always love him.
I know there is some stuff in the press that is pretty horrific and it makes me very angry too. I comfort myself by telling myself that Michael would have been very moved, by the reaction to his death, and how it must be helping his family to see how much Michael was loved and by how many. If I chose to be angry that he wasn't shown this love whilst he was here, I could be. But Michael has won accolades and tributes and has shot back to the top, which is where he deserves to be and belongs; and I think Michael would be pretty satisfied with that.
I'm truly sorry I wasn't here to support you all, and grieve with you.
