With eyes wide open, you are at a point in life where you find yourself frozen in a world consumed in fluid movement; where the sun could be out, bathing you in its bright and warm radiance, though it never quite burrows into your porous skin. On the inside, you feel conflicted and cold, maybe even a bit resentful, and you grit and grin, bearing it all as your heart grows back where it had been ripped out with a fiery heartbeat and an aching burn. It hurts so badly because he’s too far away and stubborn to want to do anything to help fix the things that have happened, and you have been too consumed within yourself to want to do anything else but drink and love him and be angry and feel sorry for yourself in tandem, over and over again and sometimes simultaneously.
You’re growing up and regressing, becoming more thoughtful and yet sinking into the attitudes you never allowed yourself to revel in during high school. You feel as if half of you has been ripped away; the phantom limbs of that bond you shared with him ache deeply still, and yet you are all too cognizant of the truth that if you reach for them you will only be grasping air. That might be the one thing, you think, that hurts even more than the fact that you are still in love with him.
But as you sit here now on this hill, on this precipice of life as you know it of your mere twenty-three years on this brilliant, beautiful globe called Earth, you feel freer than you’ve felt in a long time. In some twisted way, you want to thank him for putting you through the pain and for forcing you to see it all in the bigger, more comprehensible scheme of things. Things in your life seem so much more trivial now than they did when you were burrowed in your haphazard, depression-fueled existence, when the weight of what independence meant to you and him weighed so heavily upon your shoulders that you forgot about you and what certain things were supposed to stand for in your life. The clarity in your mind, as invisible as the atmosphere above you, has cut through the resentment and anger at nothing, the pure bullshit of nothing, and while your heart still hurts everything else feels fresher, and now you feel like you can take those tentative steps towards beginning again. Your only regret is that he doesn’t know how sorry you are or how much you want to share this time in your life with him, even if it’s only as your best friend and not as the love of your life. But for now, you are just content with reaching out and into the clear blue sky to touch the sun, and you can only hope that somewhere out there he is aware of it and waiting for your essence to touch down on the soft grass again.
You’re growing up and regressing, becoming more thoughtful and yet sinking into the attitudes you never allowed yourself to revel in during high school. You feel as if half of you has been ripped away; the phantom limbs of that bond you shared with him ache deeply still, and yet you are all too cognizant of the truth that if you reach for them you will only be grasping air. That might be the one thing, you think, that hurts even more than the fact that you are still in love with him.
But as you sit here now on this hill, on this precipice of life as you know it of your mere twenty-three years on this brilliant, beautiful globe called Earth, you feel freer than you’ve felt in a long time. In some twisted way, you want to thank him for putting you through the pain and for forcing you to see it all in the bigger, more comprehensible scheme of things. Things in your life seem so much more trivial now than they did when you were burrowed in your haphazard, depression-fueled existence, when the weight of what independence meant to you and him weighed so heavily upon your shoulders that you forgot about you and what certain things were supposed to stand for in your life. The clarity in your mind, as invisible as the atmosphere above you, has cut through the resentment and anger at nothing, the pure bullshit of nothing, and while your heart still hurts everything else feels fresher, and now you feel like you can take those tentative steps towards beginning again. Your only regret is that he doesn’t know how sorry you are or how much you want to share this time in your life with him, even if it’s only as your best friend and not as the love of your life. But for now, you are just content with reaching out and into the clear blue sky to touch the sun, and you can only hope that somewhere out there he is aware of it and waiting for your essence to touch down on the soft grass again.