Hey everyone. Wow 3 years have passed since Michael died... I can't believe times have flown by so quickly and without your knowledge actually. I've recently 're-discovered' Michael, not he ever disappeared from my life completely but I think I needed these years to regain my true self and find my personal persona.
Recently I made a long and very revealing topic over at MJJCommunity regarding the past and my obsession for Michael. I could recap what I wrote but that'll take a long time so I rather "quote" my own segment here instead. But before I do that let me remind you who I am and why I decide to make these revelations.
I am Cindy, aka Cindy Jackson, Labomba, His-Confessions and the most memorable of them all... hot4uMichael... remember now? Anyway here's what I wrote, take your time to read it...
[font=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]hello fellow Michael Jackson fans! There has been years since I stepped my foot at this place, I've regain and built my new life in every way possible in so many ways. If you think about it all the confused and irrational comments and topics fans make including me unfortunately then there's no question in mind fans of Michael that used to spend hours and hours in forums including this one left, there wasn't anything else to talk about is what they would say, yes maybe. But the truth is, after someone's passing and if it's been really difficult to cope with the tragedy you somehow loose yourself... you take a halt and starts to reflect your life in a way you've never done before, everything you've said and done is being puzzled in your mind. [/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]That's what happened to me unfortunately, I would like to keep my private matter in my own thoughts however I'll say this. Years and a couple of months after Michael's passing I wasn't me. After a good psychological evaluation over some different boards online I've come across some delusional and chocking comments and topics I've started, today 2012, 3 years after Michael's death I can grab a hold of its past, reflect the damages and the small part goodness I shared with you fans around the world. I am not trying to search after any sympathy cause the words I've tapped on my computer is my own and I stand up and say "yes I did that, I made that mistake and I am not proud of what I've done."[/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]I point this attention mostly to those OLD fans, those fans that KNOWS what I am talking about, but to refresh some of it an example of my delusional topics has to be when Michael appeared in London 2005, what he was planning to do I cannot remember however to read what I back then said. After 7 years I cannot believe and are puzzled of my behavior. I always told myself I'd die a hardcore fan but now I am not so sure about that. You have to remember that Michael's fans have the ability to crawl onto something so bad it so that it the end you loose a grip of reality. [/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]To an honest confession I grew up with soars in my heart, years of bullying and no acknowledged from people that were suppose to be my class-mates, back then in the early 90's it wasn't a shame to like Michael Jackson, he was a big star, he was accepted but that outgrew with time and to still have the continuance of adoring and ADMIRE someone like what the press and the people expressed a circus freak who sleeps with boys was NOT accepted, so when Internet grew large and everyone had access to browse altavista (google's forth-father) the excitement grew larger and larger. FINALLY you had a place where you could escape to, a place where people shared the same interests as you. I was already a fan of Michael and was bittersweet from not being able to see him in concerts etc. [/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]I began to find forums and chatrooms and developted a love/hate [/font]relationship[font=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif] with the fans. I bounded with several fans which in respect I won't name, but something happened with me. I had lost myself, I lost control of the REALITY. I for instance spent over 20 hours in ONE forum, updating the page over and over, just to see, minute by minute if something exciting would happened, it didn't always have to be news of Michael but the fans reaction and the COMPETITION which involved who had the highest number of posts, who were the most popular member and who had just met, talked, saw or touched Michael. It grew to an obsession, a undefined and sickening of acceptance. Cause who else would respect and accept you outside these computer screens?[/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]My behavior got worst by the year in which I am today not proud of but have willingly accepted the past confessing that yes I used to believe I was a family-member or a friend of Michael. In closed sentence I without having any regret back then created fake accounts with different names, posted pictures of other people claiming they were my friends, made up false statements that addressed a certain matter regarding Michael. I was very sick and I was trapped in a bubble which I felt very comfortable with because I was safe, nobody could break it and everytime I disconnected myself from the "Michael-zone" I was not aware of the society or the people around me, all I could see was Michael, Michael and Michael. It was a sick obsession and I hope NOBODY will go through what I went through.[/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]When I decided to go places to see fans and hoping everytime Michael would appear I went back with the biggest joy of my life, every single one of my travels I felt welcomed, but you have to remember that even though you've met the sweetest fans you ever met there were a hunger of revenge, they talked behind your back and sometimes IN FRONT OF YOU! You swallowed your pride everytime but deep inside more and more the heart clanged, the only way you could defend yourself was to be rude BACK and I'm telling you I was mean to some fans, I almost forgot how it was to be bullied myself, this didn't happened in front of you, you sat in front of the computer screen and felt brave to open your mouth and say "Bitch get out of my face, your stinking hoe", there were always debates afterwards, but everytime someone mentioned your name, your heart skipped faster and you felt the nervous icing in your chest. [/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]So after Michael's death, I swore to myself to ever be able to come back to the forums because all I'd done had already been made, the words I weren't suppose to say where there, it wouldn't go away, how was I suppose to stand up and admit my flawlessness? The fantasy I had built and the fake stories I had told myself was true broke in front of me. I wanted to die, I wanted to ripped all of my Michael merchandises I had bought and never think about it again. But (I won't go into details of private matters) after consoling a professional therapist and years of understanding of what happened I would like to give the FUTURE fans and some PAST fans this warning. [/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]DO NOT GO INTO OBSESSION ABOUT MICHAEL OR ANY OTHER ARTIST YOU MAY ADORE. If you don't see the warning signs or halt everytime you want to post something sensational. STOP! I was a fan of Michael's for 23 or 24 years, I cannot call myself a fan anymore because personally I can only see the negative aspects of it. I've seen up close and personal people's behavior and witnessed the delusional messages. Don't do the same mistake as I made. [/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]I've found myself this time, I know where I am, I have found friends (even if there aren't hundreds of them) who care about me and been supporting in what I've gone through. I'm recently married as well with a wonderful man, I have a ground to walk on now and even if it's gonna sound strange I have Michael to thank, cause without him I wouldn't have been able to understand the situation at all.[/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]So to close the following "statement" I'd like to personally apology the administrators, moderators and members of my behavior and what I've said. Hope in time you can understand why this happened. If there's anything you'd like to ask me about, please write me a personal message or if you want to direct me officially do it here, but remember in all respect I'd like to be met with understanding NOT bashing, I have full respect if you're angry or upset. I can deal with that. In mean time take care of yourself and god bless![/font]
[font=Verdana, Arial, Tahoma, Calibri, Geneva, sans-serif]Cindy Tambe[/font]
original link:
http://www.mjjcommunity.com/forum/threads/125391-Opening-my-heart!-(PLEASE-READ)
